photo shot in Trenchtown, Kingston, Jamaica

The irony of being in school is that as much as I hate forcing myself to write about things I have no interest in, I always find myself losing concentration and somehow writing a new blog post with effortless wit. I guess my loathing for doing what I don’t want to do breeds a full blown rant and out of frustration comes, well, this.

I already know what you’re gonna say. I know I’ve been away, and I wish I could apologize, but I’ve done that one too many times when I didn’t feel as if I had done anything wrong. So, I won’t. For the past few weeks, months actually, I’ve been ducking a dodging phone calls, not answering texts when I don’t want to or forgetting about them, changing my mind, pep talking myself, taking rain checks, “ghosting” people, missing class, saying, “fuck it”, trying to navigate becoming more of an introvert and still having to network (ugh) and remaining silent. I don’t know how many classes I’ve missed in the process of chasing my dreams, but thank God for gracious professors. I straight up told a teacher, “I did not have time to finish this assignment, so I’m turning it in as is,” and emailed her a annotated bibliography with only two out of twelve required resources. And I STILL don’t know what the hell an annotated bibliography is. My degree and those last few units of school are hanging on by a thread.
I needed a break, so naturally, I focused more on my art–one of the only things that soothes me mentally.

Most of the other “stuff” outside of that was draining me. I felt so pulled and tugged on by so many people trying to low-ball me for my time, vision, and creativity. They say you can protect your energy from those who knowingly and unknowingly go around sucking it from the people in their lives, but damn. The constant struggle of doing that is exhausting in and of itself. And everyone with their suggestions, their questions, their opinions, their preaching, my God! I know people mean well, but honestly, I feel so bombarded with all of it at times. Sometimes, I just want to tell everyone to shut the fuck up. Seriously. I want to yell out of frustration, and cut my phone off for weeks without feeling obligated to tell anyone. I want to lay on the beach everyday and fall asleep, because, well, I can do that in California winters. I want to get on a plane to a different country and not come back for years. Sometimes, I want to tell my school to keep the Master’s because, in that moment, maybe I feel like all the repetitive papers and tedious work isn’t worth it anymore. There are moments when the world has me feeling as though I should be–bitchier; more crass, forthcoming, and demanding, but right now, I’m stuck between “just accept what the Universe gives you” and “don’t settle for less than what you want.” How in the hell do I navigate between these two worlds? What does one do when one is not a demanding person, but also, not easily impressed?

Overtime, I became like water, which can be gift and a hindrance. At times, I flowed effortlessly and then other moments, I felt resentment toward myself and others for bending to what they wanted while sacrificing my needs. I never gave myself permission to stick to take a solid form…

until now.
I want what I want, and I offer no apologies for it. I’ve been practicing breaking a cycle of martyrdom, a cycle which I feel tainted a little piece me a long time ago. I’ve been burning my sage, and talking to myself in the mirror. I know that if I want to ascend, I have to make myself, and others, uncomfortable by saying what I want and giving an honest statement about how I feel in the moment that I feel it. Sometimes, I fall short. Other times, I pass the test, and I walk out a brand new woman with a brand new blessing for sticking up for myself. I want to cherish these moments more. I want to focus more on my victories, on my voice and what I want. I only want to do it, if it speaks to what my soul says. I want to become like two year old me. That little girl was fierce, and charming, but most of all, she took nobody’s bullshit. I want to be her before the world told her she had to be polite and ladylike, and easily appeased and less demanding. Matter of fact, I think we should all (well most of us) aspire to be like our childhood selves. If you ask me, they had it right.

I’m not going to feed you the BS of how, “This year I’m doing things differently.” I won’t even start with the corny, “I’m leaving (insert bad habit that most people want to change, but have centered their identity around) in 2017.” Nah, not my style. I am someone who thrives off the element of surprise, so I’ll just say…
I’m not going anywhere.

See you all soon,
Nneka, Southern Fried Ambitious

December 26, 2017

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